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  Snark! The Herald

  Angels Sing

  Snark! The Herald

  Angels Sing

  SARCASM, BITTERNESS, AND

  THE HOLIDAY SEASON

  LAWRENCE DORFMAN

  Snark! The Herald

  Angels Sing

  SARCASM, BITTERNESS, AND

  THE HOLIDAY SEASON

  LAWRENCE DORFMAN

  Published in 2011 by Hardie Grant Books

  Hardie Grant Books (Australia)

  Ground Floor, Building 1

  658 Church Street

  Richmond, Victoria 3121, Australia

  www.hardiegrant.com.au

  Hardie Grant Books (UK)

  Dudley House, North Suite

  34–35 Southampton Street

  London WC2E 7HF

  www.hardiegrant.co.uk

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers and copyright holders.

  The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

  Copyright © Lawrence Dorfman

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data is available from the National Library of Australia.

  Snark! the Herald Angels Sing

  ISBN 9781742702513

  Cover and text design by LeAnna Weller Smith

  Printed and bound in China by Asia Pacific Offset

  Copyright © 2011 by Lawrence Dorfman

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles.

  All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or [email protected].

  Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  www.skyhorsepublishing.com

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  ISBN: 978-1-61608-422-6

  Printed in China

  This is a day of goodwill to all men, and the giving and receiving of presents which nobody particularly wants, a time for planned gaiety, determined sentiment and irrelevant expenses; a religious festival without religion; a commercialized orgy of love without a heart. Ah me! I fear I am becoming cynical, but how lovely would it be if it were an ordinary day when I could get on with my work and read and play.

  —NoËl Coward

  CONTENTS

  PREFACE

  INTRODUCTION

  MERRIM ENT (MARKETING)

  TRADITIONS (SPIRIT)

  FAMILY (HELL)

  THE OFFICE (WORK)

  SYMBOLS (SANTA)

  A SNARKY NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

  LIBATIONS (ALCOHOL)

  NOURISHMENT (FOOD)

  RECOVERY (HANGOVER)

  IN CONCLUSION

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  BEFORE YOU GO ANY farther, you need to understand that this book will be your constant companion this holiday season and all that follow. Christmas music starts the day after Halloween, and if you can't snark, you can't survive.

  I know. I've lumped together all the religions in this book. Not only that, but I'm including a smattering of Thanksgiving. One-stop shopping.

  The title came to me in a dream.

  Introduction

  BAH! HUMBUG!

  Has there ever been a time MORE suited to tapping into your inner snark?

  No. Bar none, the number one, numero uno, absolute top spot for all things snark…belongs to the holidays.

  Talk about your mixed emotions…the holidays—be they Christian, Jewish, African, or what have you—are truly the best and worst of times.1

  1 Gonna be a lot of Dickens. Deal with it.

  This is a time of year when every single emotion you have in your body comes into play, when every last nerve is touched, fondled, and made to cry “Uncle.” You will be stressed, stretched to the limit, distressed, disgusted, depressed, dejected, unhappy, unappreciated, and overwhelmed. There will be tears, sweat, and, occasionally, blood. It will be the constant juxtapositioning of pleasure and pain. This had to be the Marquis de Sade's favorite time of the year.

  Up until that moment when it all changes and you look around at your gathered loved ones, shout whatever sobriquet fits the occasion, hug and kiss each other, and smile profusely, all the while thinking to yourself, “Never again. I will not do this next year.” But you will.

  How to survive? Snark is the answer. Snark is the key. Snark is the way. In my other books, I told you, “Snark will set you free.” Not so much here.

  No, here, snark is a coping mechanism. A way to retain your sanity. A way to keep the wolves at bay (or at least out on the porch). A way to deal with relatives, shopping, rudeness, unleashed vitriolic bile that's been saved up for a year, wrapping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, shopping some more, writing out cards, making those myriad phone calls, sending out invitations, shopping yet again.

  This is protection. This is a shield, like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. This is self-defense. This will stand up in court.

  And while it is little consolation, you can take comfort in knowing that you're not alone. In one way or another, the entire world is going through the same thing.

  Do you hear what I hear?

  Merriment

  (MARKETING)

  IN WHICH THE AUTHOR INTRODUCES THE CRASS

  COMMERCIALIZATION OF THE HOLIDAYS—SHOWS

  THAT EVERY RELIGION EXPLOITS THEM IN A

  DIFFERENT WAY—INTRODUCES SOME REDOUBTABLE

  CHARACTERS WITH WHOM THE READER IS ALREADY

  ACQUAINTED—AND DEMONSTRATES HOW SAID

  RELIGIONS CAN LAY THEIR WORTHY HEADS TOGETHER

  So, what's it all about, Alfie? Is it to celebrate THE birth? To bask in the miracle of a day's supply of oil that burned for eight? Is it to revel in the heritage of a continent, or start the year off with a clean slate?

  Nah.

  It's about sellin’ stuff. It's about going so deep into debt so covertly you don't even know what you spent until tax time in April.

  It's about MARKETING…and yes, I said it in all caps.

  Food. Booze. More food. More booze. Toys. Clothes. Useless stuff. A little more useless stuff. A little MORE useless stuff. It's all about the “get.”

  “I don't know what to get for––––––––[fill in the blank],” which basically means, “What is he/she going to get me? How much do I have to spend back? What if they spent more? Will I feel bad? Hey, I deserve it. I was good this year.”2 Screw ’em. Last year I spent a lot, and all I got was an automated spaghetti twirler fork and a Scarface snow globe (which was actually a little cool, but all the snow had gone up Tony Montana's nose by the third shake, so…)

  Anyway…shopping can be fun. In February. Wait until then.

  In the meantime, it's here. Happy holidays. Noel. Peace on earth. Goodwill to whomever. Buckets of joy. Whatever.

  All those presents, ingenious devices for taking money off you for things other people don't want in return for things you don't want yourself, in fact you often don't just not want them, you find them positively offensive. “So th
at's the kind of book/tie/bottle of booze/gadget they think I'd appreciate,” you mutter aggrievedly.

  —KINGSLEY Amis

  2 What's that even mean?

  Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity.

  —DON CUPITT

  Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.

  —ANONYMOUS

  A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.

  —JAY LENO

  For those of you out there who are thinking about the Hanukkah-versus-Christmas thing, let me tell you this: Quite honestly—and this comes from an experiment with a two-and-a-half-year-old—Christmas blows the doors off of Hanukkah.

  —JON STEWART

  Hanukkah Books You'll Never See

  The Schmuck Who Stole Hanukkah: The story of a moron that tries to enter the village of Schvantzville to steal all the toys, but can't seem to pick the “big” night.

  Good Night, Moon-orah: A very short book, it follows a child on each night as she says good night to her presents. Chapter 1: “Good Night, Dreidel.” End of chapter. Chapter 2: “Good Night, Chocolate Gelt in a Mesh Bag.” End of chapter. And so on.

  The Runaway Dreidel: A dreidel wants to run away because everyone thinks he's just a cheap little top with writing on it.

  The Giving Tree (But Just a Little): A children's book that is instructional for parents, it tells the story of a little Jewish boy who befriends a tree and is institutionalized for it.

  The Big Book of Mackabee Pop-ups: Oy, too many swords. You'll put your eye out.

  Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

  —BILL WATTERSON

  Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

  —ANONYMOUS

  There is nothing sadder in this world than to wake Christmas morning and not be a child.

  —ERMA BOMBECK

  The three wise men sound very generous, but what you've got to remember is that those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.

  —JIMMY CARR

  Really Bad Holiday Ideas

  1. Christmas ads with smoking Santas

  2. Xmas cards with naked pics of you and family

  3. Gifting a mausoleum for Christmas (just $10,000!)

  4. Musical holly/wreaths/poinsettias

  5. Mistletoe belt

  I was so poor growing up if I hadn't been born a boy, I would have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day.

  —RODNEY DANGERFIELD

  Nothing's as mean as giving a small child something useful for Christmas.

  —KIN HUBBARD

  Probably the worst thing about being Jewish during Christmastime is shopping, because the lines are so long. They should have a Jewish express line. “Look, I'm a Jew. It's not a gift. It's just paper towels!”

  —SUE KOLINSKY

  The moment you stop believing in Santa Claus is the moment you start getting clothes for Christmas.

  —ANONYMOUS

  I'm giving everyone framed underwear for Christmas.

  —ANDY WARHOL

  Christmas: A day set apart and consecrated to gluttony, drunkenness, maudlin sentiment, gift-taking, public dullness and domestic behavior.

  —AMBROSE BIERCE

  Tipping Notes

  Thanks SO much for doing what you get paid for.

  Happy holidays. This is for another year of barely passable service.

  I appreciate the envelope with your name and address on it. Hard to reuse without a ton of Wite-Out, so here's a little somethin’…

  Happy Haveatcha and a merry guilt Trip.

  Here you are. Those ten hours of O. T. sure came in handy so I can do this for you.

  There are a lot of things money can't buy. None of them are on my Christmas list.

  —JOAN RIVERS

  One Christmas, things were so bad in our house that I asked Santa for a yo-yo and all I got was a piece of string. My father told me it was a yo.

  —BRENDAN O'CARROLL

  Who says shopping early avoids the rush? I did mine a full twelve months in advance, and the stores were just as busy as ever.

  —GAVIN MCKERNAN

  It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

  —DAVID SEDARIS

  My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I played with it, it flew away.

  —RODNEY DANGERFIELD

  Phoebe: You know, Chandler, you being here is

  the best gift I could ask for Christmas.

  Chandler: Aw, thanks, Pheebs.

  Phoebe: OK, now where's my real present?

  —FRIENDS

  12 Days of Gifts

  1. Islamic Poker3

  2. Fairly Serious Putty

  3. The Lil’ Electrical Outlet Licker

  4. 5200 Card Pickup: a card game that keeps the kids busy all day

  5. Ginsu Boomerang

  6. The Pee-wee Herman Pull Toy

  7. Nintendo 63 (This one was pretty easy to come by this holiday, for some reason.)

  8. Hasbro's Lil’ Barber

  9. Tickle Me Carrot Top

  10. Angry Birds-Baked-in-a-Pie

  11. Doggie Dentist kit

  12. The screenplay to the last Star Trek movie—“Live Long Then Expire”

  3 Lose a hand? Lose a hand!

  Oh, joy…Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of people, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter those heartfelt words, “Is this all I got?”

  —FRASIER

  For more than twenty-five years, Santa to the

  Stars Brady White earned thousands of dollars

  a night each December by playing Santa and

  taking Christmas requests from the rich and

  famous. White's most memorable moment?

  Madonna sat on his lap one year and asked to

  have her virginity back.4

  Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

  —CHRISTOPHER MOORE

  4 Not even Santa can make that happen.

  A lot of Americans got hi-definition televisions for Christmas, which means a lot more celebrities will be seeing their plastic surgeons this year.

  —JOAN RIVERS

  I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

  —STEVEN WRIGHT

  Santa asked the little girl what she wanted for

  Christmas.

  “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe,” said the girl.

  “I thought Barbie comes with Ken?” asked Santa.

  “No,” she replied, “Barbie comes with G.I. Joe.

  She fakes it with Ken.”

  Christmas Facts

  A Christmas club, a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping, came about around 1905. It is now a source of much amusement for bank employees when you get your bankbook and realize you could have made more interest with a lemonade stand.

  According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners. That same survey revealed that only 5 of those 10 dogs actually return those gifts for something else.

  Although many believe the Friday after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year, it is not. It is the fifth to tenth busiest day. It is, however, the day when the murder rate goes up significantly in almost 40 states.

  Snarkin’ the Holidays

  “Merry Christmas”—not “Happy Holidays” or “Season's Greetings”—is once again OK to use.
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  “Family trees”? Or worse, “holiday trees”? Not on my watch.

  What about Christmas songs? “Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter”? “Frosty the Snowperson”? Or “Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage”?

  You couldn't give a “bum” a handout for “the holidays” anymore…no, no, he's a displaced person.

  “Gee, Daddy, Santa Claus is really fat!”…“No, sweetie, he's got an enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically induced hormonal imbalance.”

  “Look, Mom, an elf!”…“Now, now, that man is just Vertically Challenged.”

  Tip the janitor? No, no, no…he's a custodial artist. Double whatever you were gonna give him.

  Go ahead, say what you want, because it's beginning to feel a lot like that short period of time in December.

  —THE AUTHOR

  Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think I learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing—

  Cartman: Yeah, ham.

  Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.

  Kyle: What?

  Stan: Presents.

  Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!

  Stan: Wow, really? Count me in!

  Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!

  —SOUTH PARK

  Traditions

  (SPIRIT)